(Dedicated to shantylass, fellow pirate)
So there’s this website called “The Art of Manliness” that’s devoted to the art of manliness, which is apparently lost. I would not contest that - after all, we live in a culture that has produced Justin Bieber. It’s quite an informative site - you can learn about shotguns, Swiss Army tampons, unique grooming rituals from around the world, how to hitchhike, and taking initiative in looking for a job. They also seem to really admire Dwight D. Eisenhower for some reason.
After a while, some women wrote justified complaints on their blogs and forums that there is no site about the Art of Womanliness. But soon things were made right by one enterprising woman who created a site called Experimental Wifery, and there was much rejoicing!
…Except from me, because it’s mostly composed of things about pregnancy, wifery (that honestly doesn’t sound very experimental), defending long skirts (I wasn’t aware that there was an anti-long skirt movement), How to Show a Man That You’re Interested Without Giving Him The Wrong Idea (…….), and soap.
Now, we savvy women know that there is much more to it than that. Here is a list of articles I’d like to see:
- Men’s Advice about Appearances: How to tell whether he’s being helpful (“You should shave your bush periodically so we can keep an eye on where you had that cancerous mole removed and make sure it doesn’t come back”) or when he’s being a cowardly dickhead (“you should shave your bush because it’s gross and I’m a sad man-child who’s scared of little patches of body hair”).
- How to Rock a Hat Like Indiana Jones (Because Why Should He Have All the Fun?)
- Swords: Types, How to Use Them and When to Use Them (hint: ALL THE TIME)
- Things That Are Gendered But Really Shouldn’t Be Because They Are Basic Life Skills That Everyone Should Know (Like Cooking or Changing a Tire)
- Dueling Etiquette (For When You Finally Get Up The Courage To Ask Out a Guy in Your Philosophy Class, and He Says Yes, and You Give Him Your Number, and You’re on a High For the Whole Weekend, and Then He Completely Ignores You Like Nothing Ever Happened, and YOU, SIR, HAVE PLAYED ME FOR A FOOL. YOUR DAY OF RECKONING IS COMING, AND ON THAT DAY I WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY.)
- How to Stare Someone Down So Hard They Will Not Sleep For a Week (Useful when you’re in an argument and you can’t think of a good rebuttal. Indira Gandhi was famous for it.)
- Why It’s OK to Wear Strange Things in Public Without Giving a Shit (it’s your replica Aztec headdress, and by God, you will wear it when you damn well please)
- How to Devastatingly Deliver a Joke (there’s kind of an unspoken rule in our society that men joke and women laugh at the jokes, which is a silly idea)
- Nerd Culture: There’s More To It Than Going To Comic-Con In a Slave Leia Costume and Pretending to Ignore All the Short Bespectacled Men Who Are Staring at You In Awe
- The Ways of Ancient Celtic Women, or How to Bring More Boudicca into Your Life
- Good Female Role Models in Literature (believe it or not, they do exist)
And this one should always be at the top:
- Why You Always Have The Right To Form Your Own Opinions and Make Your Own Choices About Every Aspect of Your Life
And this would be the banner:
Why? Because Mulan, that’s why.